Rules for Being on The Bachelor

My sister & I watch The Bachelor every week. Every time the Chris Harrison asks, “Would you like to date the next bachelor or bachelorette? Go to abc.com and click apply.” My sister raises her eyebrows and says, “Ali, this is your chance!”

As you know, I like to make my own rules. And when those don’t work out, I just make my own rules again. I’ve given the idea some thought and have developed a game plan for being on the Bachelor. If I don’t get my shot, maybe you will.

1. Make An Entrance
The “first impression” does go a long way. After all, Ali gave Roberto the first impression rose. Try not to trip on the cobblestone on your way out of the limo. Be sure to think of something clever to say (and try not to make it look too rehearsed). Make him remember you. And make sure you don’t have anything on your butt. He is watching you walk away while desperately trying to remember your name.

2. Use the Proper Vocabulary
Use words like “amazing” and “unbelievable.” Report that you are “the luckiest girl in the world” during your one-on-one date. You also must be prepared with a heart-wrenching and tragic story regarding your personal life.  This way, when he recaps the date with you, he will report that he is “developing strong feelings for this girl (and the ten other women that are left).” Can I borrow someone else’s story? I got nothing.

3. Wear Appropriate Attire
When Brad comes over to pick up another woman for a date, put on your “no make up” face and wear something cute (i.e. not your bathrobe). At the rose ceremony, do not be the girl in the really short dress. I would like to take this opportunity to ask for some donations to my Bachelor wardrobe. I own 0 dresses. I don’t own a Bumpit. Eye shadow is also a bit of a struggle for me. I will need a team of experts to lead me through this process.

4. Just Jump Off the Building Already
Don’t expect dinner & a movie with the Bachelor. You will need to get in a helicopter, zip line through the jungle, scale a glacier, etc. Please don’t act like a wimp. Just jump off the building already. Half way down, you will pause for the most romantic first kiss of your life. In your post-date interview, feel free to say “we fell for each other on that date…literally (giggle, giggle).”

5. Play it Cool
During each rose ceremony, my sister or I inevitably say to the other, “Who the heck is that?” She gets no camera time. We have not seen her interact with Brad, yet she is getting a rose. Staying under the radar seems to pay off. However, if you’d like to be perceived as a freak and/or appear on an episode of The Soup, here are some techniques that would work for you: crying for no apparent reason, yelling at the other women, having too much wine on the group dates, wearing vampire fangs.

5. Do Not Cry When You Get Kicked Off
Let’s be honest. You only knew the guy for three weeks. You are not in love with him. Please don’t make a fool of yourself by crying, rambling and wiping away your runny eye make up. My plan when I get kicked off: I will smile into the camera and say “Kelly! I was on the Bachelor!” I’ll happily walk away & the viewers will love me for this. A week later, I will get a call from ABC to be the next Bachelorette. Or Dancing with the Stars. Whatever.

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5 thoughts on “Rules for Being on The Bachelor

  1. Cris says:

    YOU being on the Bach would probably be the only way I’d watch. And I think you should have a message taped to your butt.

  2. Mom says:

    Well done – as always! Regarding point #2 I’m pretty glad that you “got nothing!” and regarding point #5, any guy who would kick YOU off, doesn’t deserve you any way.
    Love, mom 🙂

    • Mama! Thanks. That reminds me of one more rule…

      Rule #6 You Don’t Have to Like Him

      He looks good on paper. He’s been searching for the “one” his entire life. His abs could be on the cover of Men’s Health. But what if you get on the show and you don’t like the way he talks? Or he doesn’t laugh at your jokes? Or he smacks his gum? I’d love to be the first woman in Bachelor history to say, “You can give that rose to someone else. I don’t really like you very much.”

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