Why I’m Going to Prison

My most recommended movies on Netflix are prison documentaries. The dynamics and social organization of prisons have always fascinated me. Minus the overarching violence, implicit gang and drug activity, and being in close proximity to felons and murderers, I find several other aspects of prison life extremely appealing. Here are the reasons why I would not mind going to prison.

Timelessness If I’m sentenced 75 to life, I’m ditching my planner the moment that judge bangs his gavel.  With no preoccupations about what I’ll do tomorrow and certainly no upcoming social engagements, I have an infinite amount of time to learn a new language and how to knit and dance. Extra bonus: I would never spend time taking multiple trips to Lowe’s and Target in an effort to paint and redecorate my cell.

Less Focus on Appearance If I am not leaving my house, there is no reason for my hair to look good or to put on make up. Wise citizen that I am, I have conformed to the general rules of society so I do shower and put on deodorant on a regular basis. (You’re welcome.) In prison, I would be allowed one shower every other day. Afterwards, I would wonder what I should wear that day: An orange jumpsuit or an orange jumpsuit? No need to even look in the mirror. The prison will not give me mascara because I would pull an all-nighter to reshape the container into a shiv.

Solitude The un-prisoned population frequently complains about their lack of alone time. My kids are bothering me, my husband is driving me nuts, if I have to take that dog for a walk one more time, etc. Personally, I need an inordinate amount of alone time in order to stay sane. While a National Geographic documentary wonders if “being alone in a small space without any outside contact is tantamount to torture”, I would actually prefer solitary confinement. Please, throw me into a cell for 57 years so I could read, write and learn how to meditate.

Independent Exercise 
I enjoy exercises that force you to use the weight and resistance of your own body. Someday, I’d be able to do as many pushups as Michelle Obama. If I behave, maybe I could start teaching a Pilates class to my fellow inmates.

Designated Phone Calls In prison, the guilt of my crime would replace the daily guilt I felt as a free citizen when I forgot to call my grandma or neglected my best friend. In order to make the most of my monitored phone calls, I would set up a schedule to call one person from my exclusive list* of family and friends each day. You may not recognize my voice because I have mastered the intonations of a British accent since the last time you talked to me.

*Please make a comment below if you would like to be added to my phone calls from prison rotation.

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