A tingly numbness started in the heel of the left foot, through the hamstring and into the gluteus muscles. Mile by mile, I watched the pain move up and down my leg. I made note of each ache, compiling a full report for my next physical therapy appointment. I thought I wasn’t strong enough or something needed to work itself out. I kept running.
When I sat down, the pain pinched the hip and irritated the gluts and thigh with a stinging heat. During the workday, I was imprisoned by a ninety-degree angle, shifting in my desk chair and readjusting my hips without relief. I could not take a break or else I would fall behind. I kept working.
“Pain is a sign that something needs to change.”
The passage glowed, lifted itself from the page like a scene in a 3-D movie. Yes! There was a lesson here. There was a reason for this pain. If I could just find the right stretch or let go of my emotional burdens, the pain would lift and I’d be back on track again. I kept running.
[This post was originally published by Thought Catalog at www.thoughtcatalog.com on June 2, 2015. To see the post in all of its Thought Catalog-y Glory, you can click here. Or just read on…]
Apparently, I am going to have a baby soon. No, this is not my “I’m knocked up!” announcement. If I was actually pregnant, I would obviously post something on Facebook so that you’d be the first to know.
A majority of my ideas regarding getting pregnant, being pregnant and having a baby are whispered to my husband with the preface, “Do Not Tell Anyone That I Feel This Way.”
Yet, here I am Telling Everyone That I Feel This Way.
My Own Distinct Voice is more timid than I prefer. I am quiet in a conversation when I should let myself be heard. If I can find the words, there are likes and umms and an undercutting ending of “but…I don’t know.”
As any psychologically stable person would do to cope with such inadequacies, I created an alter ego. Welcome, Miss Early Bird. Her writing voice is so polished and confident, always self-assured. Ah, I envy the hours she spends crafting her response when I have mere seconds to react in real conversation.
There were many accomplishments, revelations and joyful moments that were not articulated via the voice of Miss Early Bird this year. While this may be a disappointing fact for the readers, it is an invigorating one for me. The focus of 2014 has been living and being instead of producing and yearning. Among the most common words written on this blog, this neat graphic sums up an annual lesson for all of us: Love life.
Watch out, 2015, I think I’m going to fall in love with you too.