No more driving! An accident on I-94 will not make you late. After a stressful day at work, accidents and oncoming traffic will not faze you. You will not miss sitting in your car for 44 minutes each day.
Flexible shower schedule! Wake up and throw your hair in ponytail. No mirror necessary. You can take that shower over lunch or after your eight-to-five. Do not accept video conference calls. For the extra suspicious, cover the computer camera with a Post-It.
You may recommend that I get a psychiatric evaluation after reading this blog post. Go ahead. Whatever.
You see, I’ve been running a lot lately. While my body has been adjusting nicely as the mileage increases, I’ve noticed a peculiar change in my mind. Maybe too much jostling from running on pavement—I don’t know.
The clearest way to capture my brain’s inner workings, dear reader, is to tell you: There are voices inside of my head. I must assign them with a name and describe their personality so you may have a glimpse of understanding. Admittedly, there are two characters that jump into my mind when I press start on my sweet GPS watch and (um…) they are from the cast of Big Brother 16.
When I was little, my grandmother put on this very serious face and said “Alison, you never speak ill of the dead.” Her grave demeanor scared my youngish imagination into full force, with ghosts haunting and zombies strangling me if I said anything “ill” of them. As it turns out, my Angel-of-a-Grandmother passed down her credence to some folks in the media too.
I suppose I should post something before you start wondering if I am actually going to prison. Last year, my birthday may have been The Most Exciting Day of the Year on Facebook, but this year the best birthday greeting was a video message from my favorite superhero. Click on Spider-Man’s picture to view the video.
My most recommended movies on Netflix are prison documentaries. The dynamics and social organization of prisons have always fascinated me. Minus the overarching violence, implicit gang and drug activity, and being in close proximity to felons and murderers, I find several other aspects of prison life extremely appealing. Here are the reasons why I would not mind going to prison.
If you know my halo-donning eighty pound puppy who greets you at full speed with a nose-inspection of your pant pockets, you are immediately shocked that this lovable creature would be unfairly banned from all franchise locations of Central Bark for the rest of his life. While the specifics of the “incident” that led to his dismissal were never fully disclosed to me, I’ve concluded that an employee’s ineptitude or another dog’s provocation forced Mack to engage in said inappropriate behavior. I also have suspicions revolving around the manager’s efforts to permanently remove a blog post titled, Dogs Hump #Fact, from the World Wide Web once he discovers the author’s identity. Whatever the case may be, Mack is entirely faultless.
This post was originally published in June 2010 on the Pinstripe Recruitalicious blog.
Last week, I drove all the way from Lombardy Road to good ol’ Lombard, Illinois for the Chicago Talent Acquisition Summit. Though I’d prefer to withhold this useful information & remain more knowledgeable than the rest, my experience dictates that I share my words of wisdom (or lack thereof).