My Own Distinct Voice is more timid than I prefer. I am quiet in a conversation when I should let myself be heard. If I can find the words, there are likes and umms and an undercutting ending of “but…I don’t know.”
As any psychologically stable person would do to cope with such inadequacies, I created an alter ego. Welcome, Miss Early Bird. Her writing voice is so polished and confident, always self-assured. Ah, I envy the hours she spends crafting her response when I have mere seconds to react in real conversation.
[This post was originally published by Thought Catalog at www.thoughtcatalog.com on February 26, 2015. To see the post in all of its Thought Catalog-y Glory, you can click here. Or just read on…]
Dear Low-Rise Jeans,
A few weeks before my 29th birthday, I was asked to turn to page 29 of the nearest book and use the content to write a blog post. Amy Poehler’s Yes Please just happened to be sitting next to me. Page 29 just happened to be about the different kinds of pants that were popular in the eighties.
The use of italics here is purely ironic, my love handle extenuating friend. None of this just happened. It is fate. As is this letter to you.
I’m turning 29 next week. I might as well be thirty, since it’s the same thing. After you are twenty-five, you are basically thirty.
I find new gray hairs while examining a pimple. This doesn’t seem quite fair, but it is ironic in an Alanis Morissette kind of way.
I’m done with friendship and relationship drama. If you’re interested in getting mad or arguing over pettiness, I’m not interested in being around you.
I suppose I should post something before you start wondering if I am actually going to prison. Last year, my birthday may have been The Most Exciting Day of the Year on Facebook, but this year the best birthday greeting was a video message from my favorite superhero. Click on Spider-Man’s picture to view the video.
Today is my birthday. I’m twenty-five. I’d like to thank my parents and siblings for tolerating my shenanigans for the past two and a half decades.
A birthday is the most exciting day of the year in the life of a Facebook user. Grade school classmates, co-workers, high school friends, random people I’ve only interacted with once (or twice), my mom’s friends, college acquaintances , and a few cousins will fill my email inbox with notifications from Facebook. I will feel appreciated and loved by the people saying “Happy Birthday, Ali!” and “Miss Webster, have a great bday.” My bestest of friends (and potential stalkers) will wish me a happy birthday on Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, via text message, email and possibly create a YouTube video in my honor…