[This post was originally published by Thought Catalog at www.thoughtcatalog.com on February 26, 2015. To see the post in all of its Thought Catalog-y Glory, you can click here. Or just read on…]

Dear Low-Rise Jeans,

A few weeks before my 29^th birthday, I was asked to turn to page 29 of the nearest book and use the content to write a blog post. Amy Poehler’s Yes Please just happened to be sitting next to me. Page 29 just happened to be about the different kinds of pants that were popular in the eighties.

The use of italics here is purely ironic, my love handle extenuating friend. None of this just happened. It is fate. As is this letter to you.

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